《孔雀东南飞》和《三顾茅庐》都是中国比较有名的典故，在校园的情景剧表演中把他们改成搞笑的英文短剧会有耳目一新的效果。

　　Three visits to the cottage

　　Aside: Three visits to the cottage(中文名三顾茅庐) is a story from one of the Four

　　Great classical Chinese novels——the Three Kindoms. ZhuGeliang is one of the main characters in the original. Also, he is an outstanding militarist, politician and the symbol of the wisdom in Chinese history. Another main actors——Liubei, who visited ZhuGeliang's thatched cottage three times and wanted to invite him to be his military adviser. Finally, ZhuGeliang was moved by Liubei' sincerity, helped the three brothers——Liubei, Guanyu and Zhangfei to establish the Shu Kindom. He devoted his whole life to the cause and died in harness.

　　Our script is revised from this story . In this play, we add many modern and funny elements. For example, there are some spoken lines and actions which were copied from some classical movies like Infernal Affairs(中文名无间道), My Own SWordsman(中文名武林外传),The Flirting Scholar(中文名唐伯虎点秋香) were combined in our play. Also, we added some interesting pictures and audio to our slide.

　　Maybe there are some mistakes in our dialogue. But this play is the result of painstaking efforts of our group. So we present our script to you and wish you will like it.

　　Three visits to the cottage

　　Aside: After their swearing brotherhood to heaven and earth in a peach garden, the

　　three persons——Liubei, Guanyu and Zhangfei-had to be janitors in Caocao's corporation to make a living for they could not find jobs. Meanwhile the legendary and mysterious character ZhuGeliang who had been forced to attend CET-6 test by his wife was reviewing examination contents.

　　SCENE 1: Liubei's home

　　Actors: Liubei Guanyu Zhangfei

　　Guanyu: Brother! We three have been hungry for days and when will this tragic life end? It's so terrible!

　　Liubei: Yu, it's impossible that I don't feel painful, isn't it? But as the proverb says it is hard to sit in Rome and strive against the Pope. Now we come down to Caocao's corporation as gatekeeper, anyhow we can fill our stomachs between whiles. It's very hard to get work now. No diplomas and no job offers, what are you dreaming about?

　　Zhangfei: Oh, Brother! ZhuGeliang's wife borrowed us 500yuan to cope with his husband’s CET-6 fees last month, it seems that it's time for us to be debt collectors now.

　　Guanyu: Yeah, Brother! Or we'll be as poor as church mouse

　　Liubei: Alas! How did I forget this? Let's go! Go~~ go~! Hurry up! Follow me and go to the mountain for dunning!

　　Aside: And then the three brothers climb the mountain to find ZhuGeliang.

　　SCENE 2: ZhuGeliang’s house

　　Actors: ZhuGeliang Zhu’s Wife

　　ZhuGeliang: Good morning! I am the genius ZhuGeliang. But I feel so morose recently. Because my wife forced me to pass the CET-6. What’s CET-6? Do you know? You?(Ask the audience) I’ve never heart about that. And she obliged me to read so heavy books and do so many texts. It’s ridiculous. My major is military advice, not English. Why should I read this?

　　Wife: Darling!

　　ZhuGeliang：My wife is coming，she is so long-winded that I can never bear her.

　　Wife： My dear, how about your study?

　　ZhuGeliang：These books make me want to doze. I’m dizzy.

　　Wife： Darling! Now, competition is so serious. If you can’t pass cet6 to get your master’s degree, it is difficult to find a job. I have stayed here for half of a lifetime. But never visit a bigger place like Tianjin.(cry)

　　ZhuGeliang：Don’t worry, these books are too easy for your husband and don’t need to learn.

　　Wife： Are you sure? let me have a test to you. Listen，read and see!

　　ZhuGeliang：A piece of cake!

　　Wife： Listen, can you spell apple? Desk?

　　ZhuGeliang: Sorry I can’t.

　　Wife： You can’t? Oh, how unfortunate I am! (crying) I'm wrong, I'm really wrong, I'm wrong from the beginning. I shouldn't marry here. If I didn’t marry here, I'll never in this heartrending place now,

　　ZhuGeliang：Don’t cry, don’t cry, stop! I ‘m going to study hard at once.

　　Wife (laugh): That's the spirit! Do you know? We are in the red for your Cet6. I even borrowed money from the gate keeper. What can I do when they dun for debts.

　　ZhuGeliang: Are you pointing to that gatekeeper Liubei?

　　Wife: Oh! Yes! Come on quickly! Boy!

　　Keeper: What is the matter? Madam?

　　Wife: Listen carefully! My husband is too busy doing his homework to welcome any people, so you will tell the people who calls on him that boss has went to study in England.

　　Aside: While it is going on, liubei Guanyu Zhangfei have came to the gate of ZhuGeliang’s house.

　　SCENE3 Outside ZhuGeliang’s house

　　Actors: Liubei Guanyu Zhangfei Keeper

　　Zhangfei: Let me knock the door! Open! Open!!!

　　Keeper: (Check from the peep hole) Are these men asking for the debt?

　　(Open the door)

　　Liubei: This is liubei! We are calling on ZhuGeliang and his wife.

　　Keeper: Zhu said he is not in.

　　Liubei: En????

　　Keeper: Oh! No!...I mean …I mean my boss is studying English in England for the exam of CET-6,and he may not be come back this month.

　　Liubei: OK! We will wait for him here!

　　Guanyu: Nobody knows that when he will be come back, so, let’s go home!

　　Aside: The three men went away with disappointed. After a month, the deeply autumn came! They came here at the second time. Unfortunately, they didn’t see Zhugeliang as well . Two month passed, the cold winter is coming! It is heavy snow and very cold outsides. ZhuGeliang knows the reason that why they come here three times, and orders the keeper to let them come in whiles his wife is out.

　　SCENE4 Outside ZhuGeliang’s house

　　Actors: Liubei Guanyu Zhangfei Keeper

　　Zhangfei: Please tell me in time when you would see him next time, let me bind him up for you. It really should not trouble you to come here time and time again.

　　Liubei: These days, the borrower is the god! Let’s go there again and show our the warmest heart to move them.(Knock the door)

　　Keeper：My boss is at home today, but he is reading books about CET-6. Please wait for a moment!

　　Zhangfei：Xiao Zhu! Come out! Brothers, help me to take care of my seventh uncle and his third niece. Get out, or I will burn your house down!

　　Guanyu: Sunflower press! AI. Litter brother, big brother has said several times, We are intellectuals, understand? Don't be so rude, we are here for debt, not for his life. If you will kill him, where is our money?

　　Liubei: The submortagage crisis is so serious, don’t you know that simple reason? If you know, please bat your eyes!

　　Zhangfei (Bat eyes)

　　Guanyu: sunflower press!!!!!

　　Zhangfei: Where did you get this KongFu?

　　Guanyu: Hehe! I get it from a TV program called “My Own SWordsman”, which is so popular with lots of people in China!

　　Zhangfei: Why not say it earlier? We three brother could run a company of Chinese KongFu if we had know that before!

　　Guanyu: Oh!! That is a good idea!!!!

　　Keeper: Don’t interrupt!!!! Boss is reading!!!

　　Liubei: Keep quite!!!

　　Aside: at this time, zhugeliang is exciting, but his wife come back soon.

　　SCENE 5: ZhuGeliang’s Home

　　Actors: ZhuGeliang wife liubei Zhangfei Guanyu

　　ZhuGeliang: Thank goodness, here's Liubei at last. Ha ha ha ………

　　Wife: Wof! Darling! He may come here to ask me to repay his money. We can’t let him in.

　　ZhuGeliang: My darling, please don’t worry. I can make liubei go back with nothing by my sliver tongue

　　Liubei: Mr. ZhuGeliang. I have hunted you for a long time!

　　Zhu: Oh! You are Liubei. What can I do for you ?

　　Liu: my brother, you have borrowed me $500, when you repay it for me? I have starved for several days.

　　ZhuGeliang: I owe you $500? who can testify? Please give me a chance, I want to be an honest man.

　　Liubei: How can I give you a chance? Speak it to the judge.

　　Zhu: Please look, although having ambition , you are just a guarder .We can enlarge our power from this base, and then attack Caocao. At last I believe that we can reign the whole country.

　　Liubei: I’m so surprised! I don’t know you are so ideal.

　　ZhuGeliang: If I give you a map, could I not repay your money?

　　Liubei: En…….you know so much about affairs, are you willing to create a new country together with us?

　　ZhuGeliang: But I can’t help you, I have accustom the life at present.

　　Liubei: If you don’t help me , the citizen will live a harder life , please don’t refuse.

　　ZhuGeliang: En……sorry, I can’t. Because my wife forces me to pass the CET-6 recently. If you can help me to resolve the problem, I will help you.

　　Liu: En…..

　　Zhangfei: (Pull) Brother, come here. Everything is fake now such as the milk. Why can’t we find somebody help us do the test or buy a key ?

　　Guanyu: Yes! We can overdraft our salary from Caocao to buy the key at first.

　　SCENE 6: ZhuGeliang’s Home

　　Actors: Wife Keeper

　　Aside: Because the salary has been given to zhugeliang to buy the key, Liubei Guanyu Zhangfei have been starving for one month.

　　Keeper：(Happy)Sir , you are really a god . CET6 has got 600 scores. Be really to startle the universe and move the gods.

　　Wife：What happened? 600 scores? Oh! Do not shoulder your several years studying at a cold window; Do not shoulder my night holding candle accompanying you. After your Master graduates, happy life will approach. Cars, house, money!

　　SCENE 7: Outside ZhuGeliang’s house

　　Aside: After receiving the master degree, ZhuGeliang will go to work with Liubei to establish a new Kingdom.So the couples apart.

　　Actors: ZhuGeliang Wife Liubei Guanyu Zhangfei

　　Wife：Honey!

　　ZhuGeliang：Darling!

　　Wife：Excellent man have a long-range ambition. You should put cause above everything else , are sure not to miss me.

　　ZhuGeliang：I will have a long journey .Please take care of yourself.(Turn around) Don’t worried, never miss you!!(Run)

　　ZhuGeliang：(To Liubei)Your Majesty, I will never forget your favour. I should be loyal and devoted to the last.

　　Liubei Guanyu Zhangfei: Let' go!!!!!

　　Aside: The three men go down to the hill. That is the end of the whole story. Thank you for your attention.

　　Wanderseveryfivemiles

　　焦仲卿Johnny(Jforshort)刘兰芝Lunch(Lforshort)

　　焦母Johnny’smother(JMforshort)刘母Lunch’smother(LMforshort)

　　太守之子Mayor’sson(MSforshort)强盗Burglars(ABandC)

　　Prologue

　　(J作被打状跑上台,内砸出一卷纸筒,J被打中,狼狈不堪)

　　J:EverybodysaysthatI’mhenpecked,butinfact,I’masstrongasatiger,(小声)whilemy

　　wifeisWuSong.

　　(指着上台处的门大声道)I’mnotafraidofyou!

　　(内砸出一脸盆,J接住当成盾牌护着头)Then,I’mafraidofwhom?

　　MywifeLunchisthemostfamouswomanintheneighbor-hood.Sheisbraverthanme,

　　smarterthanmeandstrongerthanme.AllthisIdonotcare.Ionlywanthertobetender

　　thanme.Butsheisnot!Havingawifelikethisisjustlikelivinginthehell!

　　(内又砸出一卷纸筒,击中J)

　　MyGod!Whocanhelpme?(下)

　　Act1

　　JM(拄拐棍上):Ican!

　　(对门内)Lunch!Lunch!Whereareyou?

　　L(扎着围裙,拿着锅铲,从门内跳出来):I’mhere!What’supmum?

　　JM:I’vetoldyouagainandagainthatyoushouldcallme“mymostbeautifulgracefuland

　　dearestmother-in-law”.

　　L:OK.Mymostbeautifulgracefulanddearestmother-in-law,what’sup?

　　JM:Sinceyoumarriedmysonyouhavebehavedsobadly.Youhavebeensorude,sobrusque,so

　　lazy……

　　L:But……

　　JM:Neverinterruptme!

　　L:Neverinterruptme!SinceImarriedyourson,thatterribleJohnny,Ihavebeenworkinghardall

　　daylong,cookingandwashing.Ihaveraisedtensofthousandsofpigsandducksandchicken

　　and……

　　JM:Butallthoseyouhavedonearenotasvaluableasagrandson!

　　L(生气地挥动着锅铲):Oh,youwantagrandson,don’tyou?(开始解围裙)Goandaskyour

　　son.I’mleaving!(扯下围裙,扔在JM的脸上,下)

　　Act2

　　(LM坐在台上打毛线,L拿着锅铲上)

　　L:Mum,I’mback!

　　LM:Youareback?Why?Whathappened?

　　L:Iwaskickedoutbymymostbeautifulgracefulanddearestmother–in-law.

　　LM(惊讶,但随即露出幸灾乐祸的神情):See!Ihavealreadytoldyou!Whenyouinsistedon

　　marryingthatterribleJohnny,Itoldyouthatheisuglystupidandpoor,butyoudidnotlisten

　　tome.Lookatyourself……

　　L:But,mum……

　　LM:Neverinterruptme!

　　L:Mum,I’mnotinterruptingyou.IjustwanttotellyouthatyouarealwaysrightOK?And

　　I’llmarrywhomeveryouwantmeto.

　　LM(大喜):Nicegirl!Justnow,Imetthemayor’ssoninthemarket.Hesaid:“Ifyoudaughter

　　Haven’tbeenmarried,Ireallyreallywanttomarryher!”Nowyouarefreeagain,I’llgo

　　andtellhim.(下)

　　L(惊愕):What?Themayor’sson?Themostfamousplayboyintheneighbor-hood?(手中的锅

　　铲掉在地上)WhatasillythingIhavedone!(下)

　　Act3

　　(J睡眼惺忪上)

　　J(边走边道):Lunch!Lunch!Wherearemysocks?

　　(走了几步,在地上捡起袜子)Heretheyare!(闻一下)　Er!Howsmelly!Theyarestilldirty!

　　(突然想起)Lunchhasgone!Ihavetowashthemmyself.

　　(他的肚子似乎咕咕叫了起来)Oh,I’msohungry!Butthere’snobreakfast!(捡起地上的围

　　裙)ThisiswhatLunchalwayswears!Imisshersomuch,andherexcellentcookingskill!Now

　　shehasgone.Ihavetocookformymotherandmyself.

　　JM(上):Where’smybreakfast?Where’sLunch?Hasn’tshegotupyet?

　　J:Mum,can’tyouremember?Lunchhasgone!

　　JM(沉吟片刻):Well,totellyouthetruthJohnny,asonwithoutawifeisuseless.Lunchisanice

　　girl,goandtakeherback!

　　J(立正敬礼):Yesmadam!

　　Act4

　　(J开心地走着，忽然跳出来三个强盗)

　　A:Heyyou!Stopandlistentous!

　　Theroadisbuiltbyme!(抬脚重重地踩在一块大石头上)

　　B:AndIplantedonetree!(亦抬脚踩在同一块石头上)

　　C:Ifyouwanttogobythisstreet---(欲踩石头，但踩到了A的脚)

　　AB&C:Giveusallyourmoney!

　　J(搜遍了每一个口袋，掏出1角硬币):Is1maoenough?

　　(三强盗晕倒状，接着三人聚在一边商量)

　　A:Whatbadluck!Thisguyisbroken!

　　B:Ifwecannotrobanymoneytoday,wewillhavenothingtoeattonight!

　　C:Iheardthatthemayor’ssonisgoingtomarryMissLiuLanzhinextmonth.WEcangoand

　　robthewedding!

　　A&B:Goodidea!

　　J(惊讶):What?What?Lunchisgoingtogetmarried?It’simpossible!

　　AB&C:Why?Aprettygirlandarichman,whatagoodcouple!

　　J:ButLunchismywife!Wehaven’tgotdivorcedyet!

　　(突然有了主意)I’vegotanidea!Youaregoingtorobthewedding,don’tyou?I’llgo

　　withyou.YoutakethemoneyandItakethebride.

　　B:Haveyougotanyexperience?

　　J:No.ButI’vegotthis!(J脱下鞋子从里面摸出一张支票，上书$1，000，000)

　　Act5

　　(转眼已到了婚礼之期.MS意气风发用红绸牵着新娘上，J盖着红盖头极不情愿地被拉上台)

　　(J和三强盗跃至台中)

　　ABC&J:Heyyou!Stopandlistentous!

　　A:Theroadisbuiltbyme!

　　B:AndIplantedonetree.

　　C:Ifyouwanttogobythisstreet---

　　J:Giveusallyourmoney!

　　(L听到J的声音，掀起了盖头)

　　L(惊喜万分):Johnny!(不顾一切地飞奔到J的身边并躲到了的身后)

　　(MS大怒，挥拳向J打来.J矮身一躲，MS打中了J身后的L，L晕倒)

　　J(火冒三丈):Howdareyoubeatmywife!(挥拳向MS冲去)

　　(J与MS混战，JM上，以拐杖击晕MS)

　　(J将MS胸前的新郎标志扯下戴在自己胸前)

　　J(扶起L，关切地问):Honey,howareyou?

　　L(哭状):Ihurtalot!

　　J:Don’tcrybaby.I’llgoandfetchthemedicine.　(下)

　　L(起身去追):Waitforme!　(跑下)

　　(音乐起　CanYouCelebrate)